Hey y'all!
As some of you may or may not know, my past 6 months have been a blur of doctor's appointments, tests & procedures, and even hospitalization. This is a hard topic for me to open up about because it is all so fresh, but I really believe God has put me through these hardships to use them as a testimony... so here we go!
Ear Infections are NOT the Move
In March of 2019 I was diagnosed with a very painful ear infection. While it hurt and sure was annoying, I didn't think it was a big deal because I was prescribed antibiotics and MOST people can get rid of a stubborn ear infection in a matter of days. Long story short, a month and a half later I had gone through 3 rounds of antibiotics and a steroid, and my infection was worse than ever. It got to a point where I could barely hear, my balance was extremely thrown off, and I had constant dizziness. After I passed out in the ENT's office due to dizziness, the doctors were obviously very concerned concerning my severe light headedness and the fact that my ear infection would not go away. After many tests, most importantly a MRI, they determined it was not a neurological problem (Praise God for that!!) but just the worst ear infection they had ever seen.
While all this was going on, the medicines that I was taking for my infection affected my stomach so severely that I could barely eat and as a result, I lost 15 pounds in just a month. I became extremely dehydrated, sick, and I was sleeping for 17+ hours a day. After about a week of this, I was admitted into the hospital under observation and given fluids. The doctors basically said that the medicines had destroyed my natural flora in my stomach and it could take 6 weeks to get back to normal, sounds pretty simple, right?
Well 6 weeks later, my stomach had done the exact opposite of improving and I was losing more weight and eating less and less. By the end of the summer, I had lost another 5 pounds, been to dozens of doctor's appointments, and felt extremely frustrated that no doctor had an answer for me.
Senior Szn = Struggle Szn
I prayed and I prayed and once my senior year of high school started, I almost had this idea that all my health struggles would just melt away. I mean, it was senior year, this is the time for fun and anticipation before going off into the world. But as the new school year started, my health only got worse and I became increasingly overwhelmed as I had to miss school for doctor's appointments and testing. I wanted SO BADLY for God to take this away from me... I wanted to be a "normal teenager" and go out with my friends and not worry about if what I ate would make me sick, or go on a date with a cute boy and not have to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, or go to a concert and not spend the first half throwing up while the rest of the stadium danced and sang.
By mid-September I had endured every test that the doctor's could think of and still no answers. On my last test, a small bowel follow (it was weird y'all), there were once again, no answers. I felt so defeated. After we got my results (or lack thereof), my radiology nurse told us that she had gone through the same exact symptoms, tests, and frustration. She told us that she was diagnosed with Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) and had gotten treatment and was healed. My mom was convinced that this is what I had, and that God had answered our countless prayers, just not in the way we expected. I remember I just kept saying, "yeah, sure, I believe God works in mysterious ways, but I also believe in coincidences." I felt so defeated. My heart felt heavy, I felt isolated, and I just wanted to be ok again. I was so aggravated with the doctors, I felt like they didn't take me seriously and I couldn't understand why no one could give me answers. Even more, I was aggravated with God, I wanted to know why He could see His child sick every single day and not send an answer.
Doubt
I had obviously been sad about the whole situation since it begun, but now looking back, the moment when the depression and anxiety became overwhelming is when I questioned God. As a Christian, I really could never understand when people would question God... like, I would always think "that's just His plan, you should roll with it" or "how can you question a God who has given you so much?" I realize that it's not fair of me to think these things of people's relationship with God because it's personal and its raw and pain is real. So now here as I write this, I am the one asking myself, "How could you question a God who has given you so much?"
Quite honestly, the end of September was absolutely awful for me. I checked out everyday for a week straight due to vomiting at school, I was so behind in my classes, and I felt so broken. I tried to keep it together in front of everyone, but once I was alone, I let doubt and sadness consume me. I had so many questions for God, for the doctors, and even for myself, but answers seemed no where to be found.
Hospital Pt. 2
On the last Sunday of September I woke up with horrible aches, a high fever, and feeling all-around awful. I went to the minor med, where they noticed I had a spike in white blood cells and an extremely high heart rate. While I was there, I vomited three times, and the doctor sent me to Le Bonheur children's hospital in fears that I had turned septic and my stomach issues had caused an infection in my blood.
I remember so clearly sitting in that hospital bed feeling terrified and defeated. I was confused and overwhelmed, the doctors didn't know which step to take next and I certainly had no idea what to do. In the height of my anxiety, a pastor I had never met before came into my room and shared the scripture of Isaiah 61:3 with me:
He will provide for those who grieve,
bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
a garment of praise
instead of the spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of His splendor.
This verse hit my heart in truly unspeakable ways. I finally began to accept that without pain, God cannot fully reveal His beauty or goodness. When I was laying in the hospital bed, feeling awful and probably looking even worse, God looked down on me and gave me a crown of BEAUTY?! How amazing is that!? Even in our worst moment, He is creating beauty from brokenness. Even more, the pastor anointed me with "the oil of joy" and I felt God stirring in my heart... I find my joy in and through the Savior, not from this world. We are not meant to suffer in vain; we may suffer, but it is all with the promise of a joyful future!
Shortly after she shared this verse, the pastor prayed a prayer of healing over me and taught me a new breathing exercise:
Inhale Jesus, exhale the bad.
Inhale Jesus, exhale worry.
Inhale Jesus, exhale depression.
Inhale Jesus, exhale frustration.
When we fully accept and "inhale" the grace that Jesus has in store for us, we are able to combat ("exhale") all the brokenness in our lives and receive the healing that Jesus wants to provide... isn't that amazing?!
Two days passed in the hospital and we finally had some answers. First, we learned that my aches were just caused from a pretty nasty virus on top of a sinus infection. That was a praise the Lord moment!! Shortly after, we found out the cause of my stomach issues... yep, you probably guessed it, SIBO.
God and Your Mom Know Best... Trust Me
For one, let me tell ya, when your mom says she has a feeling about something, there's a solid 99% chance she's right (lol hi mom if you read this, don't use it against me). My mom was totally right about God having an answer for us, I was just blinded by my circumstances that I couldn't see that God was working right in front of my eyes.
Secondly, I felt so FOOLISH. I sat there and doubted God... Rookie mistake! Why on earth did I put all my faith into doctors that barely knew me when I could have put my hope and trust into the God that formed me with his very own hands? Even now, I feel so guilty for doubting God's plan for me. But I think that's really the beauty of God's purpose for His children: We doubt, and we argue, and we lash out when things don't go our way, but instead of leaving us on our own, God picks up the shattered pieces of our feeble, human-made plans, and creates a mosaic of purpose and hope to patch up the holes in our hearts with beauty rather than with pain. He is PRESENT! Without the pain associated with these past 6 months, I really don't think I would have been able to experience the fullness of Christ's goodness and the beauty laced within His plan for me.
Yes, there is pain.
Yes, there is doubt.
Yes, there is sadness and brokenness.
But, YES, there is a God who is willing to weave all of these things into a beautifully broken compilation of love, grace, and mercy.
I regret doubting God. So very much. It's exactly what the devil wants us to do... he traps us in our own lives, makes us feel isolated and desperate, when in reality our God is fighting every single one of our battles before we even encounter them.
I'm certainly not saying that I will never doubt again... it's human nature to become absorbed with our worldly views rather than our heavenly ones. And I know at age 17 that this chapter is only a fraction of God's plan for me. But by writing this I want to encourage you (and myself) to put all your brokenness into the hands of the Healer. Whether you are struggling mentally, physically, or emotionally, God wants you to TRUST Him. I know it's much easier said than done, but fully trusting God breaks the power that anxiety and depression and illness and anger and isolation and desperation has over us. God WILL provide. It may not be in ways you expect, or even ways you want, but God is going to lead you to where you need to be in life... so now, instead of questioning why I am still going through this, or why I am still not completely better, I am using my pain as a testimony. I fully believe that God can transform even the deepest heartache into a message for His glory. Jesus, here I am... I'm sick and broken and vulnerable, but I am fully putting myself in your healing hands.
Treatment
After being released from the hospital, I was put on two antibiotics (ironic, right?) in order to get rid of the bacteria in my small intestine. The treatment was relatively easy, except for the sickness associated with the first couple days, but I have noticed a drastic difference in my health already.
Now, I am on a pretty crazy diet to help my stomach regain some normalcy, which is quite hard for a hungry teenager, but I am so thankful there is a solution to this illness. There is no immediate cure, and I might struggle with SIBO for the next couple months, or even years, but now, I have a hope that outweighs anything SIBO can throw at me. Sorry SIBO, I'm done fighting you... you can catch the hands of my Healer!!
THANK YOU!!!
I want to also share some pictures from my senior year! Although my health journey has been hard, senior year has been a blast so far! I have some amazing friends &family who have supported me through it all. To everyone who has reached out to me or prayed for me or to anyone who took the time to read this, THANK YOU!! You guys bring me so much JOY!!!!
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